Saturday, 24 September 2011

RIP Mr iPod

After almost 4 years Mr iPod died, he endured intense cold, heat , being dropped repeatedly and even the washing machine and every time he survived, yet what killed him? A low battery in Tesco's, Tesco's!

There was no obvious reason for it at all, so I began to think of some conspiracies that can possibly explain the tragic premature ending of my iPod's life.

My first thought was that it must be Apple! A capitalistic evil mastermind taking advantage of normal people, waiting until they become so dependent on a product that they feel completely helpless without it, with the intention of killing it, so when they cruelly set it to die (probably through iTunes) the person has absolutely no other option but to buy another one. Its funny how my iPod died  just 1 month before the release of the iPhone 5 and other apple updates, coincidence? I think not.

Or maybe it was because i bought Ed Sheerans new album and imported it on to my ipod, maybe its part of his labels sick plan to force people into buying the CD and downloading the mp3. Well excuuuuse me, maybe if the CD had some sort of warning that it was a violent iPod killer I wouldnt have imported it. Well to be honest I wouldnt have bought it at all, regardless of the fact that it was signed because I shall not sit hunched over a CD player or rummage around the crap cupboard to dig out my sister's old CD walkman purely to listen to an album... that happens to be pretty good. Ok... I may have bought it, but i would still refuse to get 2 formats of the same thing.

Oooooor maybe it was part of a Tesco scheme to brainwash people into splashing their cash on a cheap heart attack by transmitting radiowaves that tempt people into thinking they need 8 boxes of jaffa cakes, but poor Mr iPod couldnt deal with it and althought he fought hard, he just could not deal with all of the interference :(

Either way Mr ipod is dead and I am not happy, I am LIVID!

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Posers who insist on being 'individual'

It REALLY irritates me when people decide that they are something special because they don't conform to social norms, like people who only listen to obscure music and reject everything mainstream, not because they genuinely prefer that music but because they are actively trying to make a point about how unique they are. Or people who wear ridiculous attire such as a 'kooky hat' purely for attention, flouncing  into a room looking like the mad hatter himself declaring 'Oh this old thing? I found it in a charity shop, I reject highstreet shops because of myyyyy own personal beliefs' makes me want to rip the hat off their heads and stuff it down their smug throat to shut them the hell up!

Also I really find it annoying when people decide to be a vegetarian for a month, it they actually were passionate bout animals then they would have lasted a lot longer, its quite clearly purely for attention. It makes me livid when they expect the rest of the world to adapt to them, 'Ohhh how inconsiderate, they don't even have a vegetarian option, I guess I'll just have to eat chips, I'm soooo inconvenienced', ' Well I'm sorry to disappoint but this is KFC, chicken is clearly in the name, they aren't gonna serve up Kentucky Fried nut roast just to make you happy pfffft.' I've come across so many people like this that I don't even show the slightest bit of interest anymore, I just ignore them when then heave and gag their way through a vomit veggie burger :) 


Sunday, 11 September 2011

Old women in queues

I always aim to be pleasant and nice to old people for no other reason than the fact that they are old, yet old women in queues really push me to the edge of my sanity,  to the point where I'm struggling to restrain myself from either shouting at her to hurry up or just pushing her out of my way. Its not just because they are slow its the entire ordeal of the occasion. It is even worse when I am serving them because I'm required to smile through gritted teeth the entire time she flaps about.

Yes, I do understand that a trip to the shops is the social highlight of her week but nobody has the time or interest to hear about her bad knee or mangy cat that died over a decade ago, if you want a conversation join a knitting club or coffee morning, do not join a queue and decide that the poor checkout assistant has any interest in your life story, people have places to be and jobs to do and although I feel sorry about your lack of life, a queue is never the time or place, because every minute you chatter on another person joins the ever growing  ridiculously long queue. I personally think that many of these old hags women purposely cause this unnecessary scene in an attempt to get the checkout assistant to snap and shout at her purely so she can go home and write a complaint, a task that I'm sure she relishes.

It makes me livid when instead of having her purse out ready to pay for her purchase, she waits until every single thing has been scanned through and packed before even considering rummaging around in her densely packed, threadbare handbag to retrieve her purse. 
She then proceeds to count it all out in spare change until she finds that shes 4p short and that maybe it would make sense to pay for her £9.85 worth of stuff with a ten pound note. By this point I don't even bother trying to stifle my huffs and mutterings because this woman has lived her life yet she seems intent on wasting mine and deserves to know that her flapping around is NOT socially acceptable!

Saturday, 10 September 2011

MSN Annoyance

WHY on earth bother to start the conversation if exactly 1 minute later you decide to 'brb'? 1 HOUR later and Mr  Twat still hasn't returned. Makes me livid, brb = be right back, so any longer than 10 minutes is not 'right back' ! Don't expect me to reply to you at all for the next 3 days okay? 

Hmm which livid moment to pick first? Attention seekers I think

I'll pick attention seekers because in all honesty its the easiest to write about. I don't know if its due to age or the constant stream of lessons but schools seem to have a disproportional number of attention seekers to the rest of the population. 

There was always the one boy who thought he was funny and felt the need to shout stuff out to the teacher, but they didn't annoy me because personally I thought they were hilarious and even now, years later, I chuckle about a teacher being called an oompa loompa, mainly because she interpreted it as racist and believed she was being called a chocolate man, rather than the short, strange person that she was.

The attention seekers that really got on my nerves were usually girls who craved the attention and fuss of everyone flapping around them. The would enter the room, flip their hair in a tragic fashion, making sure the entire class noticed of course and then sat in the corner pretending to be s overcome with sadness that they were completely unable to function like everybody else and get their own books and stationary out. 
This theater production was usually followed by a group or girls gagging for gossip all cooing around her and asking her 'whats the matter?', because obviously something big must of happened for her to be so upset, such as her grandmother's hip being so badly damaged after a fall that she will be restricted to a wheelchair for the rest of her life, but no.The only thing that miss attention seeker replies with is 'oh, nothing'. This response id first genuine thing in the room since she entered because it IS nothing, she just wants attention. After 20 minutes of note passing and sympathetic glances she decides to whisper it to her best friend which of course makes everybody want to know all the more. Eventually she decides to spurt some cock and bull story about something pathetic like 'I think *a completely oblivious person* doesn't like me any more'. 

EXCUSE ME?! I've wasted 40 minutes of my life and education fussing around you for THAT?! Livid, livid, livid. One girl in a particular always went too far though, I'll name her umm Gertrude because I don't think she deserves a nice name, once when a few of us fell out with her, her mum developed a mysterious cancer which magically disappeared when we began to talk to her again, this same person also lied and said her dad hit her and that a boy broke into her changing room at ballet and attempted to attack her. I don't know which is worse, the attention seeking or the lies, but either way it makes me LIVID!

What is livid?

liv·id  (lvd)
1. Discolored, as from a bruise; black-and-blue.
2. Ashen or pallid: a face livid with shock.
3. Extremely angry; furious.

The livid I refer to is number 2, it usually starts off small then suddenly explodes, I wont say like a volcano because that would be annoying and pathetically predictable so I shall say like a ... water balloon, which is quite frankly an amazing metaphor because like water balloons, livid explosions can usually dry up and be forgotten although sometimes that wet patch just sits there for ages and nobody bother picking up the balloon bits because its too late now anyways. Alsooooo if the person that the livid is directed at catches the balloon then it can stop the water from bursting out. 

The point of my blog

I'm constantly about 40% livid about something, although sometimes my livid level rises to dangerous levels, to the point where I seriously consider picking up a very large, heavy blunt object and hitting someone round the head with it to release my intense irritation. So instead of doing that Ill vent on this blog, then read it back when I'm bored because I doubt anybody else will bother reading it, especially as i can't tell my friends about it because its more than likely they will appear in it. Anyways I wouldn't be able to hit a person round the head because I'd be too scared about them hitting me back, which would be mortifying because I don't know how to fight and would probably just stand still like a fool.